He Thinks I Don't Know
by ShinyAeon
Summary: Companion piece to "I Love to Watch Her Sleep." More angst-laden RocketShipping.


_This is a companion piece to "I Love to Watch Her Sleep." As I said in my intro to that, these vignettes were totally inspired in form and structure by rikachu's "Admit the Obsession" (go read it, it's great). It's basically what happens when I look at episodes written by different people, with widely different opinions of Jessie's character, and try to get a coherent characterization out of it. References to "Unholy Matrimony," "Fangs for Nothin"/"Great Bowls of Fire" and "Pop Goes the Sneasel"._

_Warning: unresolved angst ahead. Proceed with caution._

* * *

**He Thinks I Don't Know  
**_by ShinyAeon_

He thinks I don't know. Is that a laugh or what?

Honestly, James must forget who's the _smart_ one between us.

It would take an idiot to not realize James has "a thing" for me. And I am certainly no idiot. I'm evil, not stupid. Remember that.

But even evil has a limit sometimes.

You see, it's not really _me_ who James loves. I'm fairly sure of that. It's just that he grew up with people even more evil than I am (and believe me, that takes a lot).

Poor James. Has ever so sweet a person grown up surrounded by so much cruelty? I'm bad, but not as bad as _them_. And that, I think, is the problem.

I'm not James's true love. I'm just the first person he's gotten close to who's a little bit better than Jessebelle or his horrid parents. I'm bad enough to give him what he's used to (scorn, orders, mild abuse) but not bad enough to want to...eat him alive, like they do.

And I thought some of my foster families were bad.

Don't get me wrong, I still think James is a spoiled rich boy. He still had food every day and fine clothes and toys and everything I didn't, and all his deprivations since joining Team Rocket don't seem to have cured him of thinking he has a _right _to those things. He whines when things go wrong as if that weren't the state of most of the world.

But despite that, I can see why James ran away. I was slapped, scorned, starved, insulted, deprived and ignored, but no one ever tried to change me. (They made it pretty certain they didn't think it possible, in fact.) At the most they tried to control my actions, but they never tried to control my thoughts or feelings. They might have treated me like a servant, but didn't try to make me a puppet.

That, I suppose, is why I'm so strong and self-reliant, and James is so...well...James.

So it's not really his fault that he thinks he loves me. He was trained to think and feel what he was told to. I'm just the first one who told him to make _some_ of those choices himself.

And he hero-worships me for it. Can you imagine, someone regarding _me_ as their savior? Pretty pathetic, isn't it?

And that's mostly what I feel for James. Pity. I couldn't possibly feel more than that. Well, all right, he is amusing to have around. Occasionally even useful. Damn pretty, too...the only person I've ever met who might be prettier than me. Luckily he's a boy so I don't have to hate him for it. And he looks so cute when he cross-dresses, I have a blast helping him do it. It's almost like having my own life-size dress-up doll. Eat your heart out, Barbie: I have a _James._

But that's ALL I feel for him.

Yes, _yes_, I know, we've been friends since Pokémon Tech. All right, I suppose there is some kind of affection between us, but that's it. Absolutely. I feel nothing more. Nothing, you understand?

_I don't dare._

What was that voice? Oh, nothing. Please ignore the girl behind the curtain. She has a vivid imagination and a big mouth.

You don't believe me, do you?

Fine. I might feel something more for him. But wild Rapidash will never drag that out of me, not while he's around.

It's not that I'm afraid. I'm evil, not a coward.

It's something else.

You see, people I care about have a nasty habit of dying. And yes, I know that's a common delusion of people who lose parents at an early age. (I told you, I'm the SMART one here). It's not that. It's me.

I am not the sort of person it's safe to love.

You think I'm deluded? I'm not. I know myself very well, thank you.

_I wish I didn't._

Allow me to illustrate. It's like that time we tried to steal that Dragon's Fang. And, what do you know, we DID it! We actually got away with something valuable, at least as far as the Dragon's Valley. And it was all because of James. It was his idea, his plan, his execution. He did it all, and he did it...for me. Because I was so upset about losing that Dratini.

I loved him so much for that—or at least, I thought I did. I almost let myself tell him that very night, after the Dragonite fed us and gave us a safe place to sleep. I could have done it...Meowth was asleep, and James wasn't quite there yet. I reached out, and my fingers were barely an inch from his skin.

But I pulled them back. I had time, I thought. I wanted to suprise him when we were alone, really alone, with with Meowth at least on the other side of a door. And a bed somewhat softer than the forest floor. So I didn't.

And thank heaven I didn't. Look what happened the next day. When that damn Dragonite caught us stealing the stupid sacred bowl and attacked us, what did I do?

I believe it went something like this: _It was James who stole it, not me. Kindly feel free to direct your hyper-beam at HIM._

And then I held my best friend in front of me, a human shield.

You see?

Don't look at me like that. I told you, I'm _evil_. I'm a Rocket agent. What the hell do you expect?

Rockets have no sentiment, no pity, no remorse. It's entirely appropriate to shift the blame onto your partner to save your own miserable hide. It's expected. Hiding behind your best friend (who just outdid himself to make you happy) is par for the course.

It doesn't matter that it makes me cringe to remember it. It doesn't stop me from DOING it. I don't even DECIDE to do it...I just DO it.

It's a reflex. I do it without thinking. When blame comes my way, I push it onto whoever's nearest. Even if they are the person I love most in the world. When someone is looking for a scapegoat, I'm always ready to throw someone—anyone—on the altar. Even my best and closest friend.

_That's how I know I'm evil._

James _isn't_ evil. Not really. Of course I know—how could anyone know James and NOT know?

But me, I'm a different story.

Once, I actually thought I might have some good in me. When we let go of Lugia's leg...it was my idea. I knew what we had to do. I even felt happy in some strange way.

But as time goes on and I continue to throw my friends in front of metaphorical bullets meant for me, I realized it was just a fluke. After all, in that case, I knew that if we didn't let go, the whole world was going to be destroyed. _Our_ deaths were already certain, so there was nothing, really, to lose. If there'd been a way for me to survive, I'd never have sacrificed myself for anyone else. Not even for James.

I'm sure of it—how could I look at my own behavior and conclude otherwise?

I'm flawed. Like they said when I was little, something is just _not quite right_ with me. I'm a _bad seed_. That spark...that quality, that thing inside that makes a person good...that makes them willing to step in _front_ of a bullet rather than throw someone else...is something I don't have inside me. When push comes to shove, it's Jessie first. That's just how I am, apparently.

Why does he stay with me? I've turned on him so many times...when I stole the badges. When I made him give up Victreebell. How can he just keep with me after something like that?

I just don't get it. Why would anyone _want_ to be near someone like me? Even Meowth stayed with us after the Sneasel fiasco.

God, what do I have to do? Kill them both to save them from myself?

Very well, then, they made their choice. I tried to tell them—I tried to SHOW them. They saw it for themselves: I'm a bitch who can't be trusted. And yet, they stayed.

I tried to ditch them, and they followed me.

I tried to drive them away, but they _just...won't...go_.

What am I supposed to do?

I can't change. I've tried. No matter what I want to do, when I'm surprised, I go right back to my own true nature: self-serving, cold, calculating. Would a person with even a tiny spark of goodness in their soul do that? Of course not. Therefore, I have none. Any attempt on my part to reform is doomed to failure.

I'm not good. I know it. But at least...I've spared James one thing. I haven't told him I love him. I haven't acknowledged that I know he loves me.

So when some casual betrayal _finally_ makes him give up on me, he'll have that one smidgen of dignity left when he walks away: he won't have revealed _everything_ he is to the one who betrayed him.

It's the only gift I can give him. He deserves more...but I am not capable of giving it.

They say that Love lets you see the one you love as ideal, but their love shows you yourself as you really are.

I believe it. Because James's love showed me how bad I really am.

_And sometimes I almost hate him for it._

He thinks I don't know.

But I do. _I know he loves me._

I just wish to God I didn't.


End file.
